Today he went back to work so I sat alone with my coffee this morning, folding towels and really allowing myself to decompress from the past year and start to understand the deployment.
By "understand", I just mean process and see its role in our relationship. I know there will be more interrupted years of deployment so it's important to me that I allow it to mold itself into our life together- an integral part of military family life is distance. That will never change so if I'm unable to get comfortable with it, it'll just be a nuisance and nothing to learn from. I'm always looking for a lesson.
Many of the things I learned, I had to keep re-learning. Every time I would reach the realization or epiphany, I would kick myself because "I already knew this". So deployment required me to give a lot of grace to myself. I think that should be the overarching theme of any deployment for any situation over any amount of time for any person at all: give yourself all the grace, and others too. Chances are you'll bump into more people that just don't understand than people that do.
I think what I'm taking away from this 9 months is much different from what my husband is taking away. Much different from what my friends or their husbands are taking away. Because it really is such a unique experience for each person. So if you're reading this going into a deployment... please don't see it as absolute advice or guidelines. Rather, just know that your experience will present its own challenges, rewards, and lessons.
Speaking to my own experience:
1. Heart goals are as important as physical goals. I started out with a plan to lose 50 lbs by the time Ryan came home. While I did lose a little weight and improve my health, I did not shed 50 lbs. Instead, I felt a calling to become a birth and bereavement doula. I spent more time and energy chasing that goal than I did losing weight. And in the midst of it, I was really hard on myself. Because while others can maybe do both, I just had to rest my heart and body when I could. Bereavement is a heavy, deep practice and self care in the form of rest became a priority for me over the deployment. When I received my credential, I felt so much relief over that struggle: I did set a goal that I achieved. I answered what I know to be a clear call from the Lord and so much pride washed over me. I became happy with my heart- which is just as important as being happy with my body. So, both!
2. "Stay busy!" can be the worst advice anyone can give a military spouse. CAN be. I know this sentiment is well-meaning. It is intended to help us not focus on the time passing or the what-ifs! For me, I know how to keep my hands busy. I also know how to really avoid looking in the mirror or showering for 4 days because there's no time between all the running I've been doing. I think social media feeds a "need" to always look like you're doing something cool. While I used to be all about literally doing something at all times, that type of busy-ness really feeds my anxiety. Ignoring that blurb about my own self, I constantly sought schedule fulfillment for much of the deployment, actually. It got to the point that I felt so distant from my friends sitting right next to them- because my brain was already in the next thing I needed to do. I learned about myself that I am now more physically introverted and time alone is a need I have, so that I can really be present for life. Next time, I will work harder to find a balance between over-scheduling my life and keeping my mind occupied.
3. Independence can be a learned trait. I don't believe I have always been a definite independent woman. I appreciate the ways I am able to depend on others, specifically Ryan, pretty much every day. When every part of life at home was on my shoulders all of a sudden, it seemed overwhelming. So I just bit off a little at a time. And soon I was managing all of the responsibilities that living alone can incur. I'm really proud of the independence I achieved when it's not my natural inclination to handle all things.
4. Accepting help is important to the process. In the same way that independence did not come naturally, asking for and accepting help once I found my independence did not come naturally either. I'm so thankful for neighbors and friends that don't take "no" for an answer. It's absolutely impossible to do everything on your own. Something will certainly break or go wrong. I had to learn that it's not only okay but sometimes the best idea to accept a hand when it's lent.
5. It IS hard "without" kids. Nobody ever said it wasn't hard without kids, but one time (ahem, the re-integration training) it was implied. I walked in when introductions were happening: say your name, how many deployments you've endured, and how many kids you have. I sat praying to not have to take a turn and get the pity looks when I claim my babies, until a young girl introduced herself and explained this was the first deployment and they had no children yet. The facilitator said "Oh, that's okay. It can be hard without kids too." And that really bothered me, so much that I was wishing I'd had the chance to chime in after all. The reality is it was extremely hard for me to live in my home alone without my husband. Deployment is hard for everyone, kids or not. Ours aren't in the home and personally, that was an added stress and sadness in my day to day. I also can't count the number of times it was actually said to me directly, "At least the kids aren't here to have to deal with too".... Ya'll. All I wanted all deployment was for my sweet babies to be here asking for Daddy to call or to be able tuck them in with his shirt. Standing in the hangar as our soldiers walked in, I was overwhelmed with a mix of joy and sadness that our children weren't there to welcome him home. Every experience for the rest of our lives, there will be three missing. That does NOT make any load lighter to bear. Aside from that, I know that those who are childless by choice do not think they had it any easier than those with children in the home. It's not a contest.
6. Stress affects the immune system very deeply. It took a good four months for me to really get a grip on deployment. Its a wonder why for the months between December and May I was quite literally ALWAYS SICK. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. My luck even landed me with walking pneumonia and food poisoning between sinus infections. I credit much of the time I spent sick to my addiction to busy-ness and some of it to unavoidable stress that comes with my husband working in a war zone. I feel that kind of stress is unavoidable, but recognizing it and managing it with self care and vitamins (go ahead, get the ~essential oils~ out too) is crucial to my health.
7. Embrace Self-Compassion. This part is absolute advice for everyone. I was so hard on myself so many times when I thought I shouldn't feel or think a certain way. When I had a pity party, it got worse because I would punish myself for feeling bad. The truth is while feelings are not logical, our thoughts can be. Logically, any military spouse enduring deployment can see that a lot is on their own shoulders. We have to learn to be gentle with ourselves and allow a bad day or two or three or seven. Self compassion helped me learn from my mistakes. It also helped me be more optimistic as well as gracious with others when they make mistakes. Military families are resilient- and resiliency comes from embracing compassion and understanding of ourselves.8. You're not a bad wife if you turn the news off. About two weeks before Ryan left for Bagram, Bagram was bombed. In all our preparing for the deployment, I had not prepared my mind for the realities of war. Suddenly they were all at the forefront of my thoughts and I could not control the fear that crept in. This really affected our relationship in the days before deployment and in the first few months. I caught myself glued to every media outlet that mentioned the Middle East, believing that I am not a well-informed citizen, then I must not care about what is happening there. When our friends lost member of their flight school family to a fatal crash stateside, the fears began spiraling out of control. Bad news almost every day, all around the world- even home. It was a normal occurrence that if I hadn't heard from Ryan in over 24 hours I would fully expect to arrive home to a government vehicle in my driveway waiting on me. I understood how often this unhealthy thinking occurred when I did it at my Momma's while I was visiting home. As I was walking out the door to spend the night in a different town, I let her know that in the event I could not be contacted or found she would be called or visited. She looked at me in horror that I had planned out and expected any minute that I would be receiving a casualty notification for her son in law at any given moment. It had only been 42 hours since I'd heard from him that time. I realized I needed to change something or I was doomed to catastrophize for the remainder of our deployment and every deployment after.
So I turned the news off.
And it didn't magically absolve my fear, but it did stop feeding it. I finally knew how to control that aspect of my anxiety and I could sleep better at night. Its absolutely alright to turn the news off. I honestly haven't turned it back on. I have a much better handle of reality and goodness in the world when I'm not watching it.
9. I can do hard things. I knew this. I'm a resilient person. I'm a brave woman. I live as a bereaved mother. But this was different and I'm still not sure I can explain how difficult it was. Either way, it got done and it feels like a huge achievement for myself and for our marriage. I wrote, I studied, I photographed, I spent time with the Lord, I loved on my friends. I lived each day with some type of intention (a fun memory is my daily photo project).
Roughly adjusting back to a two-person home is a blessing not lost upon me. That's not to say that reintegration hasn't presented its own challenges and lessons. But I'm so thankful I get to do hard things with him home now rather than 8,000 miles away. I'm thankful he is safe and his mind is sound. I'm thankful I get to do more hard things down the road, always as Mrs. Coker.
